But Now, What About Me?

Can I be honest with you? This year has already been SO full of me putting my faith, hope and trust in God and his promises. I knew, when God put my word for 2021 on my heart, that it would be a year full of challenges and overcoming obstacles. I could feel in my gut that this year was going to be a defining year in my life. And you want to know something? That scares the FIRE out of me. I’m so serious.

Naturally, I am a very happy but also very high-strung and anxious person. I have this theory that if you are naturally a very energetic person (hi, yep, that’s me to a T), that energy comes in every emotion that I feel, not just the happiness. So, I feel very deeply and strongly about just about everything I go through. One of the hardest things for me to try and learn to deal with is the way that I let stress race through my body and I have to constantly try and fight it to not let it take hold of my mind. This year has already come out swinging and living up to the word that God put on my heart for the year- courage.

When I felt that word hit my heart, I was in the middle of a meeting and wasn’t even actively thinking about what I wanted my word for the year to be. I felt “courage” being pressed into my thought process and I remember grabbing a pen to write it down. I also in that moment said to God “surely, that can’t be the word you want me to use for the year”…. and it was. I knew when I got that word- that it would mean there are going to be lots of areas of my life this year that are going to test the courage that I have with life.

Y’ALL, I play it safe! I don’t branch out or take a leap of faith into anything if I don’t have to. I have my comfort bubble of things that I’m happy with and when that bubble is popped and I have to use courage to face the giant in front of me, I’ll do it because it’s what I’m called to do, but I have to fight myself every time to see it to completion. This year has already challenged that comfort and caused me to face many obstacles both in the world, and within my soul.

As I was reading my daily pages of scripture in my chronological Bible in the beginning weeks of January, I was defeated by the day that I had. I was looking to gain some wisdom and insight from scripture and I came across a short and simple line that spoke volumes to my heart.

“But now, what about me?” -Genesis 30: 30 NLT

I read that line and my heart sank with the heaviness and gravity of the weight behind the statement. There was defeat in it. There was confusion and pain in it. There was a bit of a plead in the question for clarity to be shown as to why Jacob’s life hadn’t turned out the way that he had planned for it to. My heart related to that simple line so much.

I’ve been asking God this same question the past few months. I’ve wanted to know when my life was going to hold the promises that I know God has been fanning the flame on in my heart and when my turn to prosper was going to come. You see friends, I’ve felt this deep and burning desire to touch more lives. To help more people. To be a change and a LIGHT in the lives of everyone around me. To be a force of positivity in this crazy and destructive world. And if I’m being honest, in that moment, I felt the exact opposite of all of those things.

I think that one of the most profound things that I’ve learned in the last few years of my spiritual journey is that I relate to so many different characters of the Bible during different seasons of my life. I stopped reading the Bible for just the takeaway lessons (which are SOOO important, don’t get me wrong) and started seeing how my life could compare to that of the story being told at any given moment. What I came to realize was that I am really just as broken as the rest of the people in the Bible. I am just as rebellious as them and my heart is just as hard to listen to the promptings of God as some of them were during seasons of their lives.

Later on in the reading of Genesis, Jacob makes a point to be sure that God remembers what His words to Jacob had been, as if God didn’t already remember!

“But you promised me, ‘I will surely treat you kindly, and I will multiply your descendants until they become as numerous as the sands along the seashore—too many to count.’” Genesis 32:12 NLT

The context around this reminder is that Esau, Jacob’s brother, had his birthright blessing stolen from him by Jacob before their father had passed away. In order to escape Esau’s anger, Jacob fled to a nearby land and stayed there for a long while, working off his debt to a man in order to marry the mans daughter(s). When the quote from Genesis 32 is spoken, it’s in reminding God of His promises in hopes that Jacob reuniting with Esau on his way back to his homeland wouldn’t lead to Esau trying to take revenge on Jacob and kill him and his family.

Friends, it’s okay to talk to God and remind Him of what passions and dreams He put on your heart. He doesn’t need to be reminded of them but if it helps you to remember and take heart in the waiting period, go for it! It’s okay to ask God for clarity. It’s okay to wonder “what about me?” and sit in the waiting period but also be curious enough to ask God. There is no promise that your answer will come in the moment but it keeps the communication line between you and God open.

Spill your heart to Jesus. Talk to him and tell him the good, the bad, and especially the ugly. He can’t start to help you with the healing process of the ugly until you own up to those actions and bring them into the light. You can’t hide your darkness from God, you can only push off your restoration by trying to hide it from yourself. There isn’t a thing in your life that He doesn’t already know and hasn’t already forgiven.

Keep pushing towards your dreams. Keep pursuing your dreams and pushing the boundaries on what you thought was possible. As long as you are walking in alignment with the flame that God is fanning in your life, you are on the right path and making the right choices. Don’t forget to ALWAYS help the person behind you too. Our mission is not only to make it across the finish line but to also bring with us as many people as we can in the process.

You are chosen. You are loved. You are redeemed. You are enough. Always remember whose child you are and walk in that truth every day. If you stray off course, get back on and keep going. It’s not a perfect world but you are backed by so many rooting you on.

If you need help with the salvation prayer, reach out friend. A relationship with Jesus is more than enough and always will be. He is the only way!

~Gracefully Kellen~